rae cassidy klagstad

she is one my new favorites! Rae Cassidy's voice is angelic, dreamlike, and unique. Her vocals are so strong and certain notes she hits have a very vintage quality. Give her a listen and you'll see what I'm talking about. The bad news however is that she doesn't have any cds out, which bums me out to no end. In the meantime check out her myspace page: rae cassidy

some things getting me through the season

as it gets increasingly colder outside I am finding there are special "winter things" that I enjoy doing, wearing, seeing etc. 

 Cheesy as it may be... here are a few:

* coffee, coffee, and coffee 

* my new emerald green coat

* my knit hats and my favorite plaid hat (you know the one!)

* knowing its cold outside makes it easier to sit in classes

* the little white christmas tree in my living room

* not even having to consider putting on a swimsuit

* wax bottle art

* Sophie, my bunny (a.k.a snooks)

* having time to rest and think during breaks lets me get inspired to write.

* harness boots

* getting food network's "12 days of cookies" email newsletters

short thoughts

"She pierces the thin flesh on her forearm with a silver knife she polished earlier that day. Ruby blood trickles down her arm which she moves above the crystal-cut flower vase. The blood meets the water and instantaneously clouds into a pink color. Then it morphs darker into red. It Clouds and swirls around in a vase from Bergdorfs, a decoration for the guests.  She quickly dabs her cut and pulls down her silken sleeve to conceal it from the praying eyes that will soon be upon her. ding ding! The doorbell rings, and she doesn't move the vase. Once just a piece of nice crystal, it is now a chamber of darkness and silent struggle. Maybe they will think it is food dye meant to add a creative element to the elegant arrangement of black magic roses."

short thoughts

I end up in a house with a view.

linens with monogramming.

I have trouble breathing at night,

 I don't tell him.

Again I press my knees to my chest

 on the window seat and let salty tears 

splash into my coffee.

Window panes and green stares are

the bars on my cell.

photo credit: simplyphoto

the great Beyond

today I found this incredible image and it brought up so much in my mind on the topics of home, environment and the like.  Sometimes I can get really comfortable in my surroundings. There are days when I don't even want to leave my apartment let alone my bed.  Sometimes I feel like that is okay but most of the time I wish I could be bolder about stepping out into the world. There is so much world out there to be seen and I think we are the only ones stopping ourselves from experiencing it.  This can also be seen on a broader scale by the way in which we view the world in a global context versus a cultural mindset.  I want to start allowing my mind and my being to go to other places, physically and mentally.  Change and newness can be scary but I know for a fact that there is nothing more rewarding. 

I'm fine, how are you?

         obey: you are programmed, so what are you going to do?

this is me

i found this and it describes me perfectly:

Moon children are highly sensitive with a clear sense of self-definition and a strong feeling that they need to make a significant difference in the world. They are empathic and can easily detect or are in tune with the thoughts of others, and are naturally drawn to matters concerning mysteries, spirituality, the paranormal and the occult, while opposing unquestioned authority and contradictory to convention. They are also said to feel a strong sense of entitlement. Some beliefs hold that they are often labeled with the psychiatric diagnoses of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and also Autism, and that they become unsociable when not around other Moon Children. They are also believed to be prone to depression and sleep disorders such as insomnia and persistent nightmares

I guess my heart was made for breaking

where to begin about this one? I'm sitting here tonight with heavy thoughts on my mind about trust, love and heartbreak.  I feel like those three things come in that particular order in life and are pretty much inevitable. But, why if we experience them so much do we continue to subject ourselves to the pain and misery involved in trusting and loving? I can't for the life of me figure out why we as humans feel that we need to trust everyone around us so much. In most relationships, trust is central to the silent power struggle that eventually becomes the means to an end.  So why don't we call it falling into heartbreak instead of falling in love? 

say goodbye

The transitions of life are strange. Saying goodbye is hard to do and it's bittersweet. These things I know are true but what makes them so strange and hard to place? I can pretty much tell that this is a universal feeling that most people experience. Or maybe I think too much... Either way life is good, but it's full of so many twists, turns and blunt endings that seem to come out of nowhere. The weirdest feeling in the world is thinking you might not ever see someone again. It's hard to imagine that you can share intense moments with a person and divulge your innermost self to them with the possibility of never seeing or talking to them again. It also makes it hard to trust people when they seem to go in and out of your life often. I guess this is a common occurrence for most people and I'm not the only one who feels deserted or ignored sometimes. Some days you are good friends with people and the next, those same "good friends" could alienate you at the drop of a hat. "They" always say that you can learn something from everything you go through... well what do I learn from this? Not to open up to people or to trust them? Learn not to share a sense of humanity with any random stranger? You be the judge.

Great Expectations

Tonight I find myself wondering about what I expect from people... Friends, everyone.  I have been told that I expect a lot from people many times before. But in truth I don't expect any more from others than I would expect from myself. And while my standards are high to some, I believe them to be normal. It troubles me to think how low expectations have gotten. People expect their marriages to fail, people expect to screw up their friendships, people expect to be self centered and most of all, at the end of the day they expect to get maximum results from minimal effort.  I however, have not lost complete faith in the human race. I still believe that there are people out there that can give 100 percent at work, at home and to their friends.  Why? Because everyone deserves the best that you can possibly give them. Being a good friend means being there when it is really hard.  It means being selfless.  Being a good employee means being honest and exerting the most effort that you can. Why do things if you aren't going to go above and beyond to do them right.  All of this should fall into place if you generally put others before yourself. And while this is hard to do, it is very worth it. I have come to a place where I need to expect this from the people in my life.  Quite simply put, if you don't care enough to put your best foot forward, I don't need you in my life. 

alone but not lonely

Hello Blog-o-sphere! I know it's been a while since you've heard from me and as I have been getting requests from my loyal readers I figured it's time for an entry.  I have taken most of the summer off from writing, and yes I feel a void in my life from it.  I know that when school starts up in a few short weeks I will be writing a ton again due to the fact that I am taking journalism feature writing, I work for the newspaper and I have this blog. So why not get back to it and let myself warm up before I get totally inundated, and all of my good ideas have become stagnant and over-wrought.  By nature I am someone that loves to be around people, loves to talk and generally seeks outside stimuli in my life. But this summer has brought about a different sort of lifestyle than I am naturally comfortable with, but has challenged me and grown me as a person.  This summer I have spent a tremendous amount of time alone.  Being that most of my friends and my sister have been busy traveling around and I have been in greensboro all summer.  Time alone really allows you to see what kind of person you are.  It allows you to see what you do with spare time (ex: reading vs. TV watching), how well you know yourself and how comfortable and secure you are in just being you.  I have learned that it is not a bad thing to sit alone in a coffee shop and read or to spend an evening at home drawing and watching a movie.  Not bad at all and rather the opposite.  Our culture in particular, puts such an emphasis on being paired up or in groups that people get the feeling that aloneness is negative or somehow pitiful.  I personally have realized that I am me no matter who i am with and I no longer fear being alone. This is a huge step and one that I am proud to exhibit. I hope everyone out there is lucky enough to have an extended amount of time to spend alone and to really get to know who they are and be secure in that.  After all, how do we evolve and learn things if we don't get away from our comfort zone?

caught in suspension

so you've heard people say time and time again to "live in the present."  Don't look back on the past and don't dwell on the future. But what does that really mean anyway? To me personally it is impossible not to look at the past. Isn't life about learning from our past mistakes and victories and living as a result of those implications? There is no way to change what has happened and you will never really forget.  It's kind of like when you say something inappropriate. You can't make it go away, you just have to deal with it and most likely it will affect your conversation.  Conversely, I can't just block out the question mark in my mind that represents the future.  What is the present? Is it the exact second, day, week, or era that you are in right now?  With no exact definition, it leads me to believe that there is indeed no such thing as the present.  Everything we do is the past at some point and also the future because it determines what will happen next. The only real way we could be in the "present" is if we could suspend the passage of time.  We cannot freeze time so we need to make the best of our lives which are made up of what we just did and what we are about to do.  

sleep through the static

mmm sleep sounds really good to me right now as I lay awake at night listening to the loud laughter and bass coming from my neighbor's apartment. Sleep. You want it when you can't have it, some can never get enough, and some don't ever get to sleep.  I think that the idea of sleep brings with it some very interesting thoughts.  Sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep at night I get these deep, introspective feelings and thoughts running through my head. I start to think about how short this life is and what will happen when I die. (not in a morbid way)  To me, sleep is the cousin of death. It is the one time when we completely lose control over what we are doing and we  slip into this "other-worldly" state of being.  I think that is what dying probably feels like, it doesn't hurt, it just comes naturally and no one can really describe it. I also  think that sleeping and depression could be linked because when someone is sad and depressed about their life, the only really way to escape it other than chemically, is to sleep through it. Sleep is very valuable to me personally. I have never been one of those people to pull an all nighter or to run on less than six hours. And I have been known to sleep in until the late afternoon. Nope, nothing can come between me and my precious sleep, not even an exam or major project.  I have missed many-a morning class and appointment because of sleep.  I even prefer to sleep in style, with cute sheets and sleep masks. All this talk of sleep makes me tired! I think I'll go get some now! Goodnight ; )

sweet summertime

The summer sits in front of me now like a long stretch of open road with little excitement up ahead. Maybe  a few quickly passing trees or roadside signs.  Oh the road signs of life. They would read something like this. "reduce speed for 10 o'clock classes ahead." or "beware of no jobs in the area," or even "quiet days and nights up ahead." Yup, those are my road signs for the summer in front of me now.  Not to be a debby downer, I just feel like this summer holds nothing particularly special. I'm not taking any exciting trips or adventures and I have to take summer school, so it's not going to feel like much of a break.  I get to experience the mundane of the day to day lifestyle. I guess the mundane is beautiful in it's own way. Like most things It's just a matter of perspective. The main thing I am dealing with now is, how do I get excited about what this summer holds for me? With the future is uncertainty, and uncertainty equals possibility. And possibilities are always intriguing aren't they? I am looking forward to a change of perspective, new classes, new jobs and new people, and with that comes a new day to day life.  So there, I already feel a little better about it than when I first started writing. I will keep you posted on how it all unfolds... 

the gift of precious time

Here is a thought that has been on my mind lately, and since I have this wonderful blog, the perfect venue to tell my inner-most thoughts, here goes. What in the world is more important than caring for the people in your life? I think this bears the need for repeating... what in the world is more important than people? Seems like a dumb question right? Well surprisingly enough there are a lot of people out there that don't subscribe to this belief.  People nowadays are consumed with advancing themselves professionally and personally while losing sight of what is really important in life, and that is relationships.  Maybe this is on my mind right now because I'm in college. College is one of the most selfish times in a person's life.  College students are there to better themselves, they don't have children or many responsibilities so they don't have to think about others lives I suppose.  Now, I'm not saying to spend every waking minute with your friends and family. No, just some of your time is all.  I think the most true cliche' I've ever heard is this: Life is short.  Life is far too short to be stressed out about school and the day to day. Life is too short to not be there for the people that need your support and love.  

gotta defend my reality tv

So I have to come clean, I am somewhat of a reality tv addict.  Lately I have been really into the series real housewives of new york city. Sounds horrible right? yes, while it may sound so terribly shallow and lowly, it does provide interesting social insight into a crowd I would never know existed in new york. It is somewhat anthropological if you will.  I find that our culture's recent obsession with reality tv is not only a result of the writers strike but speaks volumes about where our interests lie and what people are craving to watch nowadays.  While some reality shows are purely awful, (i.e. rock of love or flavor of love... virtually any with "love" in the title) others are very interesting and truly give the viewer a look into another lifestyle or educate viewers on real life situations. There is something undeniably alluring about uncut unscripted life.  The sitcoms and tv shows that show the perfect nuclear family are a thing of the past and have become somewhat archaic in our ever-changing society today.  People no longer want to see the perfect family going about their perfect lives.  People want to see life on the other side and the way real families and individuals function, or rather dis-function.  Yes, I'll admit reality is entertaining to watch, and more often than not these shows make you feel better about your own reality. And thats a good enough reason to watch if you ask me...

words like rain drops that never hit the ground

out of reach

As I am awake late at night watching the graduate on AMC I cannot help but think about the concept of the forbidden fruit. With it's quirky 60s music and strange camera angles on the beautiful, and graceful Mrs. Robinson it is evident that there is something undeniably alluring about the forbidden.  Whether it's that one thing you can't have, or that elusive goal or idea you know you could never act on.  Whatever it is for you, it is attractive because it's unknown or simply out of reach.  There are so many social standards and rules that our society has created in which we must live our lives within. This is just a part of life I suppose.  Sometimes though, the repression can just be too much to handle.  Often times in reality the forbidden isn't as great as it seems when it's up on that high shelf out of reach.  But who's to say you can't find out for yourself.  As a rule (yet again more rules...)  as long as you don't hurt people in the process, I think it might be a good idea to explore that top shelf.    After all if Benjamin was never with Mrs. Robinson then maybe he wouldn't have met or been as entranced by Elaine... who knows?

the rules were meant to be broken... right?

So this week I have found myself wondering, how can I push the limits?  I mean, were the rules meant to be broken, or meant to be followed? I guess this depends on the rule and the individual's perspective.  Sometimes there is a thrill involved in testing the limits, but more importantly sometimes you just need to experience life and it's consequences for yourself. Even if that means making mistakes and pushing the set standards. This idea can be put into actions as well as in thought and in the questioning of age old traditions.  If you don't question and push the boundaries of what you have always been told, then how do you know that something is true.  I have made mistakes, like any other person and, like any other person I have figured out that I am not invincible. A painful experience, but true and necessary in life.  I have also had doubts and questions, like any other person. All I am saying is I just think that people need to push life to it's limits sometimes to figure it out. I am so much better and wiser than I have been in the past and I am thankful that finally the blinders are off of my eyes. 

I feel home

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home" said Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz as she clicked her shoes together and wished to be there. Even if home sucks, like Kansas, it is home none the less. Home. Even the mere utterance of the word conjures up emotions and feelings of security, familiarity and refuge.  I have been lucky enough to move every year of my college career. I have found many new experiences and feelings associated with the word home over the past few years as well, not all good ones. (haha) Home is an interesting idea and raises some thought provoking questions. Is it the place where you were born, the place you spent your childhood or the place you live now? Right now home to me is my family house in Pittsboro, NC.  It's where I go to get away from life, a place where time stands still and I can be bored, but most of all it's a place where I can be me.  I hope that someday, sooner rather than later, I can find another place that feels home.  So we've all heard the adage, home is where the heart is. I would say this is true.  Home is not just the place we lay our heads down at night, it is the place where we should be able to let our hair down, and to feel refuge and peace.  Yes, those positive feelings towards home during college have been elusive for years, but maybe they won't always be. 

what a noble profession. what... a noble profession?

As I sat at lunch with my friends today, we talked about our futures (dare I say a popular topic these days) and what we would like to do for the rest of our lives.  One friend wants to work for fair trade businesses. Another is going to teach English to immigrant children. There was also a peace corps volunteer mixed in with a side of missionary work to developing countries.  So, apparently I keep incredible company.  But where does all of that leave me? I piped in " My goal is to be a lowly cultural commentary writer and columnist. "  Which leads me to the question on my mind now: is it okay to devote one's life to a job that doesn't necessarily change lives or benefit the world in a huge and noble way?  Sure, I may get the opportunity to inspire people with my writing. But for the most part, people will  read my articles (I hope) laugh a little to themselves, be entertained or interested for a few minutes and then put the paper down and move on with their life.  Don't get me wrong I would love to be a prize winning journalist someday or get an incredible opportunity to travel the world and write about it.  But what if that never happens?  I may never get to work for the Times or USA today.  Now, obviously these questions cannot be answered tonight.  But they lead to a bigger question concerning careers and time spent.  We do not have long on this earth, so should we devote what little time we have to making the world a better place?  I guess that depends on our perspective.  I know the only person judging my career path is myself, but naturally, I am my biggest critic.  At the end of the day I think it's most important to like what you did with that day.  Maybe my career will change some body's life or maybe it will just make someone think a little harder or get a laugh that day.  Either way I am a writer and writing will be my life's work. I can't imagine it any other way, so I guess there's my answer, right?

a fly on the wall

   Sometimes I feel as though I am living other people's lives.  Or even that I am a fixture in the lives of others. I'm Just an accessory to some extent. For example, right now I am basically living with an engaged couple.  I see their comings and goings.  I watch and hear them in passing but rarely communicate with them verbally.  It is so strange to not matter to the people that you live with.  I pay my rent on time and address them briefly. Essentially, it wouldn't make any difference to them if I was there or not. Thats the part that feels so weird.  I am also a nanny for a family with three little girls. I enjoy my job and I love the kids, but it can be a strange job sometimes.  I feel like a spy of sorts.  The kids say things they probably shouldn't repeat. Sometimes the parents complain about each other to me, talk about awkward.  Again, I'm a fixture.  I see their life and help them live it by taking care of their children and running their errands.  When I'm not at home or at work I crave being important.  Not just an extra in contrast to someone else's starring role. Someone in the background watching other people go about their daily lives.  I find myself just wanting to talk and be heard. It is written on our very beings to have the need to be important to people.  It's hard to realize the true nature of humanity until you are deprived of it.

   

seeing the world through red rimmed glasses

   I used to walk down the halls of my highschool and not know who I was waving at.  People would ask me why I didn't say hey to them that day.  It was all because I was too embarassed to wear my glasses.  I needed them to see but I didn't want to mess up my face or distract from my eyes.  Glasses have been percieved to be for smart, and/or nerdy people.  Back then I was not secure enough to admit to my nerdyness.  However, one day my freshman year of college I decided to finally wear my glasses.  It happened for a combination of different reasons.  First of all, I got sick of not seeing the world. Second, I wanted to be taken more seriously by people.  The number of catcalls has drastically reduced upon wearing glasses. I hate to say that they demand more respect, but they do.  Since then my glasses have become a part of my identity and an extension of who I am.  It is strange that there are stereotypes and feelings that go with things as small and as insignificant as glasses.  I know how I look with them on and I feel confident in my intelligence, not because of them alone, but maybe with the help of them.  

the few and far between